Saturday, August 8, 2009

Enough with the intros - my first real post

Here it is, a Saturday night, almost Sunday morning & I am sitting at home....drinking a glass of wine & enjoying the peace & quiet of my house - well except for my iPhone text message noise. 

My mind is filled with all kinds of thoughts tonight, some days I'm not sure where I'm going.  I know where I've been, where I don't want to be again, but I don't know where I'm going.  It's like I'm lost in a midst of ideas - ideas of what other people think my life should be like.  I don't follow a crowd - I'm the crowd leader & it's so unlike me to NOT KNOW my own next steps.  Alot of my friends are either getting married or having babies, needless to say I'm a career woman, and right now I don't want any babies (especially not out of wedlock).  I haven't been in a serious relationship since 2007 & I'm so unsure if I'll find a man who's ready for a serious relationship anyway.  I'm just so uncertain at the moment. 


My last serious relationship ended badly & I mean very badly.  I was extremely hurt, I won't go into details because there's no point in rehashing it, but I was more in love with him than he was with me.  I gave more than 100% of myself to him, I got lost in him, he was my everything & that was the biggest mistake of my life.  I never should have made him the center of my universe - soooooooo wasn't worth it.  After we broke up, my career took a drastic turn for the better & I threw myself into a new job with new people & new experiences.  At first it was great, but I found myself lonely & turning to yet another toxic relationship with a coworker who was (well still is) married.  I had never met someone like him & he had never met someone like me - we just clicked from the time we met to the first time to the first time we danced together, then to the first time we kissed, & you know what happened after that.  Initially I was so intrigued by him, he left me speechless, he literally swept me off of my feet.  We're total opposites, he's conservative, quiet, a bit laid back, & almost comes off as shy until you get him to open up; me - I'm the mix and mingle girl that everyone wants to know, the young career minded, determined, and motivated head turner at our company, I'm not shy in the least, not at all. Anyways, somehow we've managed to have this ongoing (more simply stated) sexual relationship that we've tried to end on many occasions, but always wind up in a situation where we can't control our minds or our bodies.  I know it's wrong & so many times I tell myself I'm going to walk away & I am, but I want to walk away to someone.  I don't want to walk away & know that I have no one to fill the void.  One day in my life I am going to look back on this and realize how terrible of a person I am....I hope.


You know that TLC song What About Your Friends? hehehe I used to love that shit!  My friends - well, they're all different.  I'm a girl with tons of friends, I can hang out with pretty much anyone.  The really sad and frustrating thing is that none of my friends are like me.  You know that old saying "it's lonely at the top?" I am living proof that the saying is true.  I'm by no means at the top, I'm not even in the prime of my career, BUT I've been blessed with a job like no other.  A job that is totally stressful, that I sometimes devote 12-14 hours a day to, however, the pay is great, my job is flexible, I get to travel a lot, I have worked in several different countries, and I've got tons of  financial industry connections.  However, I have no close friends that do the same thing or make the same kind of money.  Sometimes I want to go out to a really fancy restaurant, but I know that will prompt statements like we don't make as much money as you, or we can't afford it.  That's super frustrating, however, I keep reminding myself that they will soon hit their peak too & I'll be right there with alongside to help them enjoy the fun! 


So I won't tell you what I do, because I do want my blog to remain totally anonymous, but I'll give you some clues.  I work in the financial service industry with several clients, helping them to explore new solutions to realize their business goals & boost their profits.  I started this job several years ago & I've been addicted to it ever since.  Like with any job, this job has lots of ups & downs.  When I first started, as you can imagine, I was totally uncomfortable & lacked a lot of confidence in myself in such a controlling position.  The business plans that I recommended could potentially change a business forever, so they had to be well thought out, highly analyzed plans.  Now that I'm a few years into the job, my confidence has grown & I'm making such a good impression on upper management.  I've been blessed with an opportunity to explore a different area of the business, but my current assignment is holding me back a little bit - once it is over, I should be good to move on & learn new things.  A part of me is excited for what the future holds, but the other part is nervous at the possibility of failure. 

Life....I'm not sure where it's going to take me & I'm not sure if I'm ready for the ups & down to come, but what choice do I have?  I never want to look back & say I wish I would have - I always want to look back at the memories, the pictures, the good times, the smiles, the fun, the laughter, the tears, the pain, the struggle & say this is what I did!

It's late - 12:16 AM to be exact & I need to get to sleep.  Tomorrow is laundry day...ugh! I need a maid!


Courtney said...

Yayy new blog! I'm lovin the simple and fresh layout you have

Daisy said...

OMGOSH!!!!! I thought I had transferred your new blog to my google reader but it turns out I HADN'T!!! And all of this time I could have been reading your posts!!! I'm sorry I'm a space cadet at times. But YAY! I have it all sorted so I won't miss any of your posts anymore. :)

This was a great post - very well written!! It is so hard to a step above the rest. I find not only does it come with the struggles you discussed but that also people tend to minimalize your feelings/problems because ya know - how could it be possible that someone who "has it all" have something not right? Or I get the whole - yeah but at least you have this etc ... and that's TRUE but everything comes at a price. Even being a leader - sure it's a different set of struggles maybe - but it doesn't make them any less real or troubling.